Deep dark secrets in a clouded mind...

Had another one of those dreams where I feel like I know who was in my dream but I can only recall pieces of the dream. I remember that it was work related and someone that I worked with was who I had my eye on and him to me. There was a knowing of it by both of us. It’s difficult to recall the rest. Maybe it will come back to me during the day, possibly.

Unfortunately after a day I still could t remember more from my dream. It’s too bad but oh well.

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In other news, it sucks to hear about someone acting shitty, when last week they had been perfectly fine to that person. Why the attitude and mood!? It really sucks, because it was undeserved and out of line. That’s it.

I only wish I could curl up into fetal position in the shower, while I let the hot water from the shower hit my skin. Maybe then I can feel a bit more whole, but actually, no, that doesn’t make any of my problems go away. It only brings me comfort and warmth for a few minutes and then the hell inside my head returns. The same hell in my head that does not leave me alone. Will that hell ever let me be sane and happy!?

I just want to be happy…that’s it..

Just reading through my last private post, it just pisses me off. That post will remain private for my own good. Anyways, things are pretty much the same. My stupid self went and planned a trip on a whim after receiving a deal email on some flights. Thinking this might be good and would be a fun trip to take, especially since I had the money to spend on the trip, I figure this is hopefully something good to look forward to. Well I was wrong. The day after I booked the flight, and after mentioning that I was going to do this that night, the next day I got shit from him. That he thought I was joking and wasn’t serious. I’m sorry but when I talk about travel, I am always serious. I don’t fuck around about that dammit! Well, he is still not working and we are close to a month to the day that we depart and I still don’t know if he is going or not. I am starting to think that he’s not but that leaves me in another bad spot. I was hoping to cancel the flight and be able to have my friend take the other ticket. Well I can’t just cancel the flight without having to pay a $100 fee off my reimbursement of what I originally paid. And my friend couldn’t wait on his decision so she went ahead and got her ticket and now I feel like I’m left holding the bag not knowing what is going to happen. And when I try to bring this all up to him, he just gets pissy and tells me he doesn’t want to talk about that or focus on that since all he wants to focus on is finding work. I get that, but fuck, what am I supposed to do!? I lost the opportunity to have my friend pay me the $100 so I could cancel and still have the money to get our flight re-booked, so now I’m thinking my only choice will be to cancel. I don’t think I am going to have any other choice with all this. It really upsets me because I really was hoping to take this trip, but the way things are looking, I don’t see it happening. Big lesson learned on my end for the next time. Don’t be spontaneous, it won’t get you anywhere!

Things this year have been very stressing in many ways. Unfortunately it seems this has all been condensed into the past few weeks or so. Seriously, what the hell! It started with the craziness at my job and the whole possibility that my boss may close his office and leave us all out of a job. Instead what happened is that I got left on to help out with a new company that is going to make things easier and our manager resigned and fired a couple of people. So now, I am pretty much in charge and trying to make things work since she left, which was just last week. So far that’s going ok. Then I found out that my grandfather in Mexico, through my dad, had passed away. He had been suffering with cancer already for some time. My dad was fortunate enough to have seen him one last time about a month ago when things got really bad. I was hoping that he would get better and it would give me an opportunity to see him once more, but that didn’t happen. All I have left of him are the memories of the few times that I got to spend time with him and the photos, which are probably at my mom’s house. Around the same time that he got sick, my grandmother on the mother’s side started getting sick also. She’s been not wanting to eat and her speech has been difficult to understand. Now she barely walks and is incontinent. My mom and my cousins were telling me that sometimes she doesn’t recognize who’s there or she sees people that are not there. She’s only been diagnosed with depression, but to me it seems like there is more going on. I truly hope she gets better, but right now she is in a hospital still not wanting to eat. And to add to that, my boyfriend has also gone to the hospital today. His problems are a bit more different, but unfortunately they are still medical problems that need to be taken care of.  So at the same time that I wait to hear what’s going on with my grandma, I also wait to hear any news from my boyfriend that is waiting at the ER for some test results. This is just a lot to take in at once with everything going on, but I’m trying to keep myself positive and hopeful for the best. That’s all I can really do.

Often times I get these feelings from seeing someone, either good or bad. Today I had that, and I haven’t had this in a while, with just a look. I had a doctor’s appointment this afternoon. I was waiting to be called in and was looking at my phone, when in the corner of my eye I saw the nurse standing at the door where they usually call you in. I had a sudden thought that maybe the nurse was going to call my name so I looked over and caught his eye on me. All I could do is smile and look back to my phone. He was asking the receptionist a question about the patient that had just left and it seemed he thought the patient was going to be waiting. It was very quick and sudden and I don’t know if he felt anything too. Once he did come to the door to call my name, I felt nervous. He was very nice and did what he needed to do. Once he told me that the doctor should be in to see me in a few minutes he proceeded to ask me how my day was going otherwise. I said it was fine and that it was my day off. He then told me that he got Wednesdays off during the week and the weekend, so we had some small talk. He seemed a bit nervous too, but again, I don’t know. I like to think that I can somehow read some people, but in the past I have been surprised by things that I didn’t see coming. And other feelings that I thought I was certain about, I never truly found out if I was accurate or not. I have another appointment in two weeks, so now that the introduction has been done, maybe the small talk will be more casual and I can get a better feeling of it all. I honestly am not one to try to make a little thing into a big thing unless I really feel certain about it. So we shall see.

The last time this happened I was in Vegas and I caught a guy watching me at the Bellagio during the water show. Same thing, I caught his glance on me and he smiled right away. I smiled back and went on with what I was doing. Then I saw him walk away  and never saw him again, but the feeling lasted for a very long time. That whole weekend all I did was think about this. It’s really strange but it felt like something was there, I only wish I knew what and what it all meant. I still keep thinking I may see this person again someday, but that is very uncertain. The boy at the doctor’s office though I will definitely see in two weeks.

Just woke up from an interesting dream. Makes it interesting since it involves family from Mexico, Vegas, and a boy named Joe. And I prefer to write this now when the dream is still fresh in my mind. I remember that my family all wanted to go to Vegas. We were at the bus station and had bought our tickets. I remember this boy named Joe. We liked each other a lot and my family knew it. I remember getting ready and standing right next to him afterwards so he could see me. I remember the getting ready process. I wore a skirt, an almost pencil skirt. The shirt was strange. I remember putting on the shirt with a bra and not liking it, so i removed the bra and all of a sudden i had these slits that opened over my breasts and exposed my nipple. Why this was the case, I have no clue. So I put the bra back on and put on this shirt, a buttoned down tight shirt. I remember i wanted to look nice to impress this boy. I put in nice makeup and I wanted to wear my boots but I think I wore flats instead, cause later on I remember running around in them. It was a very young relationship is what I remember feeling. No holding hands or anything like that. Just the feelings we both shared and knew. The looks of liking each other and wanting to be together. Why my family was involved, again, no clue why. We both really liked each other and I couldn’t wait to be in Vegas with him. Then it seemed to take forever to get everything loaded and done. Joe helped out with the loading. At that point I realized that I didn’t pack everything I needed. So I freaked out. My aunt had also forgotten things so she ran back to our place. I asked if I would have enough time and was told I would so I left. As I was near, and I remember our place was very close to where the buses were leaving, I realized I didn’t have my keys and I freaked out. I also noticed this was the place where I grew up, but we loved downstairs and I remember having to go upstairs. So I ran back, and I don’t know why instead of yelling my mom’s name for the keys, I yelled Joe’s. Strange. Well I talked to my mom and I remember being frazzled and rushed. What had made me more rushed was that I noticed that the guys were almost done loading everything and I thought, I better hurry up! My mom said my dad had her keys and he was on the other side of a fence. She was being silly I remember so I immediately caught eye of my purse, ran to it and grabbed my keys and went on my way. I made it to my place and bumped into my aunt. Grabbed my stuff and headed back. I had forgotten pants and a few other things. Once I made it back I was relieved. I went to get my ticket and noticed everything was loaded. The ticket looked strange to me. It was in the middle of the day. As I got my ticket I remember my dad and aunt and mom and uncle were all gathered and my dad or aunt had said, these tickets leave tonight so we won’t be in Vegas til tomorrow morning. I was shocked! All that running around for nothing. Then Joe approached and mentioned that we weren’t even sitting together. I remember thinking, well I’m sure we can figure something out with the seating situation. Everything seemed miscalculated and disorganized, nothing like prior Vegas trips. Then two seconds later I woke up. I honestly wanted the story with the boy and I to continue in my head. But I woke up. It was strange, but that feeling of being liked by someone around me felt nice. And with someone new like that. It was strange and interesting at the same time. I’ll just keep thinking about it in my head..

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Edit: Strange that now that my day is going on I am remembering more about my dream. I don’t know why I can see a flash of my friend’s car in my dream from last night. Also, seeing a photo of cheetah’s makes me remember that somehow in my dream last night I saw a cheetah. Don’t know what this all means, all put together, so it is rather strange to me. Wish I had a dream book to decipher what this all means. Maybe now is the time for me to get one. If anyone knows about dreams, feel free to give me your interpretation of all this.

Who knew that someone could drive me so insanely crazy. And I don’t mean in a good ravenous sexual way, I mean in a I want to kill you kind of way. I want to hurt myself to make you shut up because you won’t leave me alone to concentrate and do what I need to do. Why must I live with someone so hard headed and annoying. To where I am screaming my lungs for this person to shut up and they won’t. They continue to talk and say things, mean hurtful things to make me feel bad. This is the first time I have had to deal with an alcoholic and I honestly don’t ever want to deal with it again, not on this level. This person does not want help. Well they say they do, but they don’t really seek it out. They get blasted drunk and even at that point still continue drinking and being annoying. Ugh! This whole weekend has been this that I have had to deal with. Trying to focus on school stuff and having a cold all the while dealing with this incoherent bullshit. I am mentally, physically, and emotionally drained. And still now when I say please for the love of fucking god shut up and leave me alone, it continues. And when my attention has been achieved, it all ends up being for nothing. Just a waste of time. And to add to it, once the next day comes this person doesn’t remember one thing that was said or done. I have to remind this person of all the things that were said and done and how hurtful they were. It still doesn’t matter because week after week it continues..

I fear that I am surely losing my sanity being here. I have assured myself that I need psychological help, it’s too bad I have no way to get it. Somehow I need out of here…

Smiles are like band-aids. They cover up the pain but it still hurts.

(Source: enchantedharmony)

It’s one of those weekends again. Had the same thing happen last weekend too, on a birthday weekend to add to it. The stress level I am dealing with is starting to drive me insane. All I keep thinking is that I am never going to get ahead, never! I’m all alone trying to handle financial shit. The other person here tries with what he gets but it’s just not enough. I always find myself having to lend him money, constantly. That money has been the money that I had saved for my taxes, taxes!!!! Money that I now don’t have, yet I still keep getting rung out for more. I just don’t know how much more of this I can handle. Right when I think everything is paid and I can feel that I have some leftover money, something else happens that crashes me down. The feeling of bricks on my back has been constant, I would say since last year. Every day getting a bit worst, everyday feeling a bit heavier. I want to run, cry, scream, disappear, be gone, do something!!! I don’t feel like myself anymore, the person that I thought I was 10 years ago. I feel so much more stressed out now, and I’m starting to feel it more too. Like all the stress is helping me age at a faster rate [oh great!]. Just what I need right, right when I hoped that things might get better and that somehow I may be able to save some money to travel and see the world. Nope! There goes another brick on my back to further hold me down where I am to not let me go. I feel trapped, inside and out! So much stress has caused me to loose the little bit of sex drive I once had. Now all I get are nightly thoughts of being with someone intimately and feeling that way again. I don;t know that I will ever feel that again. My life, my thoughts are consumed by this dreaded life I have. And not being able to talk to anyone about it makes me die a little more each day. Everything stays bottled in until I decide to write it in here. God forbid I write in my actual paper journal. That has happened before and somehow “accidentally” it falls to the floor and opens on a page that asks to be read by someone. Yea, thanks for my privacy! Now I am forced to come here instead, because a paper journal that’s not bothering anyone somehow gets read and I get called out for what I write. Lovely life I got right. 

I need out in more ways than one. Permanently out, seclusion, disappearance, something!!! Something, anything other than this! I want to feel alive again, and I can’t. I don’t know how much more of this I can take before I loose it…

Why is it that early this morning (3/17/11) I had a dream with someone that I’ve been talking to for some time on the Internet. I do find him rather cute but never thought he would have showed up in my dreams. It was at some sort of public drinking situation with a bunch of other people. I remember he was sitting right next to me and we were all eating. Then I think he got up and walked away and came back a while after. The other people we were with also seemed to disappear. Then all of a sudden I’m sitting on top of a table and some guys start smoking up right when I was pulling my pipe out. I remember one guy was sitting where my legs were and the rest was around. The guy in my dreams sat to my left as we smoked. I found the coincidence funny. We sat there talking. For some reason I had seemed to have borrowed some sort of piercing jewelry. I was trying to give it back but ended up taking my earrings off that I wear all the time. He joked he wouldn’t give them back to me since I had already handed them to him and we flirtingly played around. Then for some reason I had this steel jewelry piece that I was trying to put into a piercing on my face but was having trouble. I decided not to fiddle with it. We sat there and as i was holding the pipe I remember seeing some cops walk in. As that happened I hid the pipe and we proceeded to move elsewhere but then I woke up. It was a bit odd. I remember certain parts seemed inside and others outside. I liked hanging out with this person. I’ve never met him so don’t know how that would be but through my dream it was interesting. I may share more if I remember.

How is it that when I look at Facebook profiles for younger girls and guys, say in their teens, they have over 500+ friends!!! How is that so!? They must be between 15-20 years old. How are they able to have sooo many friends. How can they know so many people in such a short amount of time on earth? I guess looking back on those years for me, it makes a little more sense. Considering at that age you think a lot of the “acquaintances” that we have we feel as though are our real true friends. Not until after you leave High School and move on to college or work is when we start realizing that some of those friends are not keeping in touch or hanging around as much as when in school. Maybe that’s the whole thing, at this age we want to have as many friends as possible and it’s a way to say you know that many people. In reality, it really doesn’t matter how many friends you have, all that matters is that the friends you do have are there for you regardless of where you are in life. Whether you are dirt poor or filthy rich.

I am happy now having a smaller group of friends, true friends that are there for me and nothing else. Friends that have an interest in my life, what I’m doing and where I’m going. And that I have that same interest in them. Where it doesn’t feel like a complete struggle just to talk or meet for a drink or coffee.

I guess not until these “kids” get older and start learning what friends are really all about will they realize that it’s not just about the number but what those friends mean to us emotionally. And how in a friendship it’s a shared emotional bond, not just a cool person to say that you are friends with.

I’m curious..What do you think? Do you agree with my point or do you have a reason to believe otherwise?